What do you say?

What do you say to your teenaged daughter who just returned from what she describes as the worst weekend of her life? I try to counsel her to give herself a few days to calm down and let things blow over, but she’s so angry and hurt she lashes out in the only way she knows how.

I can’t bear to see her hurting like this and hate that I can’t do anything to help her. I can’t smooth things over for her. I have to let her cope with it on her own or she’ll never learn to deal with her emotions and develop social skills.

It’s so hard not to just break down crying in front of her listening to what she’s been through.

I just want my children happy and healthy. One of the reasons I’m so grateful to have Charlie in my life is that he and I can work together. No, we don’t always agree but we don’t hit and throw things at each other when we’re mad. And even though we get along very well, we’ve agreed to start marriage counseling as well as individual counseling to help us keep our relationship healthy and help us grow together. We’re about to enter what could possibly become a very stressful period in our marriage, so hopefully we can have a good therapist help us get through the rough patches. Charlie is retiring and this is a major life change for both of us. (Right now he is on FMLA.)

I want my children to see a healthy marriage relationship, so they know that they can have one as well. They don’t have to settle for someone that isn’t “good enough” for them or that they don’t really love just so they won’t be alone. I’ve tried to teach both of them to be self-sufficient because I want them to be able to take care of themselves when they are adults. Or in case something happens to me and I can’t care for them anymore.

What do you say to someone you’ve deleted from your MySpace list when they ask why? Just tell them point blank? We never talk in person. We never talk online. One person I deleted simply because his g/f is too damn paranoid and possessive for my taste. I don’t want to butt in his life, but if I text him with 20 other people on my cell phone directory to say hi and touch base, then she sends me a message telling me in a nutshell that I can contact HER not HIM. I don’t need that BS drama in my life.

What do you say to people when they ask where I’ve been instead of chatting on AOL all the time? That I got a life? Or that the majority of people on AOL make me feel like a steaming piece of dog shit, calling me ugly, fat and a gold digger – which is why I’m really not on there as much as I used to be. Charlie and I hung out with his buddies from the PO last night and we had a blast. I forgot that people could be so nice! And they don’t spend all their time talking trash about others. Or belittle people for being the “wrong race”, the “wrong religion”, for dating the “wrong person”. I know who my real friends are from AOL and I can contact them w/o going into a chatroom all day long. I know at one point I allowed myself to be an evil bitch in the rooms and I regret it. I also tried to be funny and use sarcasm but people don’t get it – it doesn’t translate well through text. I don’t need it. I’m better than that. I don’t need to get dragged in it again. Life is too short.

Car Troubles

Meagan’s final concert was Friday night and we had a blast!  The 9th grade sang “Bohemian Rhapsody” as their class song and they did a great job.  Charlie and I were tickled because it’s one of our fave songs and was a nice change from the sacred music the choir sang the rest of the year.  After the concert we went to Braum’s and Emily was telling us how Charlie sang along to “Bohemian Rhapsody” and how funny it was because he sang it so LOUD!

Friday we also discovered that “Clifford” (my 79 dodge diplomat) is no longer serviceable.  I was going to give it to a friend, but discovered a giant rat nest in the engine. The rat chewed through the wires and Clifford is not going to start without some serious repairs.  I’m not willing to spend $500 or more on a car that old, and the friend I was going to give it to needed a car that runs immediately. I felt so bad and desperately did not want to share this horrible news.

When we got home from checking on Clifford, I noticed the neighbor’s garage door open.  They have a car for sale and for the first time I noticed it was a Toyota Camry.  We discussed buying it from them before, but for some reason I thought it was a Ford or Chevy and didn’t think it was a good investment because it has high mileage.  To make a long story short, Saturday, Charlie and I bought the Camry and decided to give the friend our Buick.  The Buick isn’t a beauty queen anymore, but it runs! 

So, I invited my friend out to lunch to share the news about the car.  Of course, first I had to break the bad news first and I could tell he was disappointed.  (I know he was thinking, “Dammit, nothing good ever happens to me!”)  Then I told him that we bought a new car for Charlie to drive and we were giving him the Buick.  He was in shock and literally shaking.  I was enjoying myself because it’s always great to make someone happy. 

Meagan and I cleaned the Buick up Sunday morning, and then I took her to an isolated area and let her practice driving.   She was having some trouble, so I went back to the house and got the Camry and let her try with it instead.  We had so much fun and she did so well.  I want her to be comfortable driving a car before she starts Driver’s Ed.  Good News for us!  The insurance will only cost another $20 to add her to the policy when she is 16.

Emily started working at a local restaurant this weekend, so we went there for breakfast Sunday morning.  While we were there, Charlie and I started talking about the moon the night before.  “Was that Venus next to the moon last night?” I asked him.  “Yes,” he replied, “because it’s too big to be Uranus.”

(Insert sound of me slapping him silly here.)

A few fries short of a Happy Meal

I feel like I’ve been on the go all week long. I’ve been doing some spring cleaning, trying to stay busy and out of trouble. But I’ve been neglecting my schoolwork, so I’ll be spending Sunday catching up on the reading and all that.

Charlie is retiring at the end of the month and I’m feeling some anxiety about the future. It’s finally happening. We still have some forms and paperwork to complete so he’ll receive his pensions. He has 600 hours of leave he needs to use, so he’ll be taking off work all summer.

I’m feeling a need to go to Tulsa to visit my mom’s grave next weekend during Memorial Day. I may even stay overnight in a hotel, just to have some “me” time. Meagan has been wearing me out lately and I want to soak in a hot tub or something and have some sushi and have a night to myself with no kids and no animals – a “recharge” session. I’ve been thinking so much lately about the past since I discovered the VCS reunion page on MySpace.

Charlie’s doctor wanted to talk to me today and asked me a few questions about growing up etc. But I definitely have PTSD, almost as bad as Charlie if not worse. Last week, Charlie wanted to give me a hug, but I was in the laundry room. Well, when he came up to me in that little bitty space, he basically cornered me and I flipped out. A lot of people don’t realize that PTSD isn’t limited to war veterans or extreme trauma survivors. I’ve always considered myself a survivor of child abuse even though my dad never beat us and put us in the hospital. He was verbally abusive more than anything and withheld love and affection. I’m sure he has his own demons to face. It couldn’t have been easy growing up in my grandmother’s home. Plus he was “nerdy” as a child (he had to start wearing glasses in first grade). I was almost 9 when my mother died, so I have more memories of our lives growing up, for instance, watching him push my mother out of her wheelchair a few months before she died. No child should see something of that nature. Ever!

Twice I’ve married a man with a substance abuse problem. And I was too naïve to understand what I had gotten myself into. Or maybe I just didn’t want to face it?

Third time’s the charm? I hope so, but I catch a lot of flak for marrying a man old enough to be my father. However, the doctor pointed out that the age difference doesn’t matter. Charlie and I are compatible. We understand what the other is going through.

I also push people away – usually by being “judgmental”. I’ll tell myself they aren’t good enough for me to hang out with. No, it’s not me being a snob. It’s a survival tactic to keep myself from being hurt yet again. “Bitchmother” didn’t help one bit. She just made me very distrustful of women. Of course, some of the shit I went through in the 70s and early 80s as a hearing impaired child forced to mainstream was traumatic enough for me to try to “hide” my hearing loss. (Not smart, people thought I was ignoring them and I was a snob.)

So, anyone that thinks I’m a backstabber or just a plain bitch, yes, I probably have been. And if I was “mean” to you, please don’t take it personally. It’s a self-defense mechanism and I’m working on it. I’ve apologized to numerous people over the last year, mostly because I’ve very recently realized what I’ve been doing all these years. I’m doing my best and I am very thankful to those friends that have stuck around realizing I’m not quite healthy and whole as I should be. Some days I just feel like I’m a few fries short of a Happy Meal!

My sister mentioned on one of my blogs that we probably look too much like our mom for our dad’s comfort. Well, I’ve been going thru my baby books and found a picture of my mom holding me. Charlie saw it and asked me, “Who is that baby you’re holding?” I told him that was my mom holding me as an infant. I also showed it to Emily and she thought I was the mother as well.  Nope that’s my mom holding me in 1967.

This is me holding MY daughter after a bath in 1992.

Frustrated

My son wants to skip a weekend again. I’m trying to be understanding, but he has no idea how much I miss him. He’s only 13 so it’s not like he understands how difficult it is for my baby not to be around as much as I’d like. But I don’t want to be a butthead and demand he visit. I think that will just alienate him. So I deal. I talked to Charlie’s psych today and he agreed, its better not to force weekend visitation, especially as far apart as we live. I cry sometimes because I miss him so much, but that’s life. When I was his age I wanted to spend my time with what few friends I had.

My daughter has a concert on Friday night and this will be her last one for at least a year. Next fall, she starts high school and instead of taking Choir, she’s going to take Mock Trial. I’m glad she is because I think Mock Trial will help her more. And it’s not an “easy A” like Choir. But after she did so well during her mock trial at the YAG conference this past winter, I think she’ll do well. Plus the Moore school district seems to approve activities related to academic-type courses (like government/history) more than they do “fine arts”. I’m frustrated with the Branson trip organization and wish I had been able to help more, but according to Meagan, the teachers are making rude comments in class about none of the parents helping. I’ve had 2 surgeries since school started in September and I’m still in recovery. I’m sorry I’m not more help. I’ve tried to pitch in as much as possible though.

Too Many Crappy Movies

So I finally get around to watching “An American Haunting” today and I think its great, almost as good as Exorcist, until the ending

WTF? What were they thinking? Why couldn’t they end it with a more “spooky” ending? They ruined the entire film with the <spoiler alert> incest angle. The Legend of the Bell Witch is one of the spookiest stories around and Hollywood goes and ruins it. Why not end it the way the REAL story ends? With the spirit returning after 7 years or something…or even better…start the story off with the spirit visiting a Bell relative in 1935 as promised in legend?

I hate it when Hollywood screws up like this. No wonder it didn’t do well.

The Exorcism of Emily Rose was a disappointment too. I waited to see that one and just didn’t like the way they wrote the story. Too much time was spent on the trial of the priest.

Then I watched “The Gathering” starring Christina Ricci and the guy that plays Mr. Fantastic in “Fantastic Four (Iohn Gruffudd). This movie had the potential to be good, but it died. I think it had something to do with the editing more than anything. It was just BLEAH. A first century church is discovered buried in rural England and Christina Ricci suddenly has visions and premonitions of townspeople dying. The storyline had so much potential, but the editing was choppy and I felt like I was missing something until the very end.

But even scarier was “American Dreamz”, a parody of American Idol, because it made me wonder how much of American Idol is scripted. The contestants are not allowed to talk about the show and how it operates. Makes you wonder. Dennis Quaid as the “idiot” president too closely resembled Dubya for my peace of mind. He had no idea what the word “placebo” meant. Omer reminded me a lot of Sanjaya from the most recent season of American Idol. If you watch it, see if you recognize Willem Dafoe.

Damn, yesterday was a really crappy movie day. I need to find some GOOD movies to watch!

Reality Show Junkie!

As everyone knows I’m a reality-show junkie! And my favorites are on the Bravo Network. Last year I discovered “Project Runway”, a competition for up-and-coming clothing designers. Bravo has since expanded their shows to include “Top Chef”, “Shear Genius”, and “Top Designer”. The competitive angle is great fun to watch and the shows have more at stake than a cash prize – the winner is offered an opportunity to enhance his/her career at the same time.

Another show I enjoy is “Work Out”, which follows fitness instructor Jackie Warner. This season, Jackie continued to develop her clothing line and ran into a major snafu. The company she hired to produce samples of her line provided Jackie with what THEY thought would be more appropriate. Unfortunately, Jackie needed the samples to show to a potential distributor, and had to more or less BS her way through a meeting and reschedule. The sketches I saw on the show were awesome and beautiful, but the products sold at this time through Paiva online aren’t anything special that I can see. Except for being outrageously expensive and having the SkySport logo, they look like something I could buy at Academy a whole lot cheaper.

Don’t get me wrong. I think Jackie Warner is awesome. I love watching her grow as a business owner and as a person. I was disappointed this season to discover she is dating one of the trainers at SkySport&Spa, because of the potential for sexual harassment charges. Jackie hasn’t had the best of luck with partners, as proved with Mimi in the first season. That girl was a hellion! It’s taking some time to get used to watching two women kissing on television. I know! I know! We see it all the time now, but most of the “lesbian kissing” I’ve seen on TV is just hype to get ratings. Not a true romantic relationship between two people who genuinely care for each other.

Yes, watching this show inspires me to become more fit. Not just “skinnier”, but healthier. I think healthier is a better goal than skinnier. Changing my diet and nutrition habits is going to be a challenge

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Currently, Bravo is showing “Shear Genius”, a competition for hairdressers. I didn’t know what to think of this at first, partially because the host is Jaclyn Smith of Charlie’s Angels fame. I have NO idea what makes her an authority on hair. Jaclyn Smith hasn’t changed her hair since the 70’s. After 5 episodes, I’m positive the Top 2 finalists will be Tabatha and Tyson. Both are incredibly talented and after this show, I won’t be able to afford a cut from them – ever. Especially if they prove to be as good as celebrity stylist judge Sally Hershberger, who did the Meg Ryan shag and charges $600+ per cut.

Tabatha and Tyson have both admitted on the show that they think the other is their strongest competitor. On the last episode, Tabatha did her best to make Tyson screw up, but he overcame this adversity and won the Elimination Challenge. Don’t you love it when the underdog pulls through?

Family Feuds

Today’s big news: Dale Jr announces he will not race for DEI when his contract expires because his step-mother refuses to allow him 51% ownership in the company.

As I read the article, I noticed a little “sidebar” halfway through the article about famous athletes who don’t get along with their parents.

I can relate.

I have no “good” memories of time with my dad. I have no real memories of him being affectionate, saying “I love you”. No memories of hugs and good night stories. My first REAL memory of my dad is him chasing me around the house so he could spank me when I was 7 years old. Even that young I was terrified of him. I always felt like an “obligation” to him.

Maybe I was.

Because as soon as I moved out for good, my dad more or less quit talking to me, mostly I think because it was too difficult to communicate with me via phone. I tried to talk to him through the relay service, but he said that was too hard to use. I don’t think he understands E-mail very well, much less IM’s. And a man writing a letter to his child? God Forbid!

Maybe I shouldn’t have given up so easily, but now that he’s married to wife #4, it’s just easier to not talk to him. She doesn’t like me at all.

Sometimes I wish I could ask him about my mom and about our lives when Heather and I were little, but he’s either not going to remember or he’s going to tell us his wife won’t like him talking about one of his previous wives. (My mother died when we were very young, so that makes no sense at all, does it?)

Almost Summer!

The kids will be out of school the week after Memorial Day and then Meagan and I are heading to Branson for 3 days of HELL! No, we’re not looking forward to this trip other than to go to Silver Dollar City. The teacher in charge of the program (Mrs. B) has been a bit of a grump lately according to Meagan. We have to shell out another $75 for the trip for the bus, gas and food. I want to know why they didn’t just calculate all that into the price from the start. Well, there is no one to ask because the people who started planning the trip all dropped out. Meagan is so sick of the BS from the trip; she decided she’s not going to do choir again next year. Instead, she’s signed up for Mock Trial. At first she asked me to drive my van up there, but I don’t want to drive that far by myself.

Charlie has been seriously working on his retirement plans. We’re not sure of the exact date, but hope he will be able to retire by the end of summer. He’s eligible for medical retirement, but he wants to get 100% disability from the VA first. Both of us are working on getting disability payments from Social Security.

I keep looking for job openings in the OKC area, but most of the positions I’ve found that I feel I am comfortable with require the person to use the phone. I can’t do that. And I think it’s time for me to face that I’m just not able to work anymore. Not only do I have the disadvantage of my hearing loss, I still have problems with the anemia and now I have carpal tunnel.

At least this summer we have season passes to Frontier City and White Water Bay. That should keep us busy. I’d like to take Meagan to the beach for her birthday. We’ll see if it happens. With gas prices skyrocketing, I’m not sure we’ll be doing a lot of traveling.

Charlie’s youngest son and his wife separated Sunday. We’re sad for them and the kids, but we knew it was coming. We just hope that neither of them does anything stupid. In the past, she’s threatened to have him arrested and even go as far as say he molested the girls, just because she’s mad at him. We both know there is more going on there than they are telling us, but we also know we can’t do anything to help them. We encouraged them to see a good marriage counselor, but both have to be willing to go and work on the relationship for counseling to work. I’ve never even met Charlie’s youngest son believe it or not! He lives in Idaho and we haven’t driven up there to visit yet.

Tomorrow, I’ll spend the day at Meagan’s school helping with State Testing. Lots of fun! NOT!