Miami Won’t Get You…It Has No Rhythm

You’d think with all the Latino culture to grace Miami, American Idol would find some decent talent. But no, the show opens with the Belching Butcher aka Shannon McCough. Hideously dressed like an 80’s flashback in a green dress with a pink sequin belt and gloves and black sequined beret, Shannon just could not believe they didn’t think she was a good singer. After all, she was the local singing contest winner and has her pictures plastered all over her daddy’s butcher shop.

But the second contestant, “boy bander turned rocker” Robbie Caprico, was good enough to get the first ticket to Hollywood. He even has his own fan club complete with firecrackers and fiesta string that scared Ryan.

Galeb the Venezuelan Gypsy looks oddly familiar…almost like a Latino version of Balki from “Perfect Strangers” (remember him?). Galeb gets brownie points (and a golden ticket) for singing something DIFFERENT for a change, a Marc Antony (J-Lo’s hubby) song. He needs work on his accent, but he has a nice voice.

Meet the “Manhunters”, or as Ryan introduced them, Corliss and Brittany. Great personality and great banter with the judges, but from experience, I’m thinking the flashier they are, the less likely they have any singing talent. But like Jeffrey and Michelle, I was pleasantly surprised with both ladies.

Brittany’s version of “My Guy” blew me away (and no it wasn’t from the high winds pummeling Central Oklahoma right now). I couldn’t help but root for them; they were so energetic and vibrant.

Samantha Toon and Ramiel Maubai both won a trip to Hollywood. Samantha wowed the judges with her sultry sexiness and seductive voice. Then, Ramiel surprised them by singing “Natural Woman”. The judges didn’t expect such a big voice from such a little girl.

But Syesha Mercado, who probably had the best smile on Idol so far this season, overwhelmed them with her version of Aretha Franklin’s “Think”. (I thought it was a bit loud, but I’m hard of hearing, so I guess she was trying to make sure I could hear her?)

The last contestants featured in Miami were perfect examples of what NOT to do during an audition. Richard Valoy sang through his nose, while Julie Dubela was full of herself and proved she is an overindulged brat who’s never heard the word “no”.

Finally, Bran B managed to succeed in doing nearly everything you should never do:

1. Don’t run in like an idiot.
2. Don’t come on to Paula (unless your hawt).
3. Don’t sing in a bad falsetto.
4. Don’t start taking your clothes off (unless you’re buff and Paula is in the mood).

Shockingly, only 17 Miami contestants won tickets to Hollywood. Well, one more city left next Tuesday, when Idol auditions in Ryan’s hometown of Atlanta, Georgia.

The Queens of Omaha

For the first time ever, American Idol holds auditions in Omaha, Nebraska. And after an hour of watching the few auditions featured, I asked myself, who knew there were so many queens in the Cornhusker State?

The first contestant, Chris Bernheisal, declared this to be the greatest moment of his life and even brought bribes, oops! I mean, gifts for the judges. Chris effeminately described American Idol as a second chance for people to pursue their dreams and started getting weepy. His audition was a combination of bad singing, weird dancing and shaky handstands while Randy and Simon laughed. After Chris demonstrated his “red carpet” announcement, Simon ordered him to tell the local FOX affiliate to send him to Hollywood for the Finale and he can be the Next Seacrest (Oh and be sure to tell Seacrest Simon said so).

While waiting for Paula to show, Jason Rich, a small town boy who works part-time as a farmer, performed and got stuck after the first line. And the second. And the third. Finally, he remembered enough of the song to give a Simon and Randy a reason to send him to Hollywood. Simon warned him there are no second chances in Hollywood if you forget the lyrics.

Paula finally arrived and we met Rachel Wicker, a six-time arm wrestling champion. After defeating most of the contestants and a stalemate with Ryan, Rachel offered to wrestle Simon, but he turned her down (BAWK! BAWK!). Rachel sang a country song complete with what Randy described as a “half-yodel”, then “strong-armed her way into Hollywood” by arm-wrestling Paula.

But Rachel wasn’t the only wrestler in the crowd. Sara Whittaker, a former professional wrestler known as “Lady Morgue”, sang what Simon described as “the soundtrack to this town” in a voice that did NOT match her personality. After Sara left, Ryan entered the audition room complaining Sara was not happy about being turned down.

Ryan and Simon bickered for awhile then Paula traded places Ryan during Samantha Sidley’s audition. From the start, it was obvious Samantha had confidence issues and the little girl sway she did while singing proved her lack. But the judges thought she was good and all four (if you count Ryan) said yes, with hopes that she’ll improve her showmanship, so Samantha is on her way to Hollywood.

Lack of performance and showmanship seems to be a theme in Omaha, because the next contestant was also told she needed to work on her performance. Angelica Puente was told she has a promising voice but she needs to quit listening to the divas.

Instead, start listening to…rockers? With the success of Season 5 runner up Chris Daughtry, more rockers than ever have been auditioning, including David Cook of my hometown, Tulsa, Oklahoma. David managed to get a ticket to Hollywood but was told…what else? Work on your persona!

Johnny Escamilla has plenty of personality, unfortunately it’s scary enough to get rid of Paula’s hiccups! He showed up wearing a sparkly gold jacket and was everything Simon hated. Johnny was the perfect example of “something ain’t right” just like the medley of bad singers featured after his performance.

Thank goodness, Omaha saved the best for last! Les Marlow impressed the judges with his friendly, outgoing personality. And he admitted his mother says she “raised the perfect homecoming queen; too bad it wasn’t one of her daughters.” Paula liked him so much, she wanted to take him home as a pet.

Only 19 contestants from Omaha made it to Hollywood week, but maybe more will be found Wednesday night as Idol “savors the flavor” of Miami.

AMERICAN IDOL – Charleston Auditions 2008

The first time American Idol auditions are held in Charleston, S.C. more than 10,000 contestants, from all over the country, show up to audition. Some of them even look like former Idols. Simon has no idea where he is ("Are we on the West Coast?" he asks.) and Ryan is running late(I’m sure the limo driver got lost and nothing more).

Just as auditions are about to open, Oliver Himan gets a call from his wife, whose water just broke at 37-weeks, so off he goes to take her to the hospital to deliver their baby.

The first contestant to audition is the "Black Clay Aiken" complete with an afro SuperFly would love. I’d compare him to a young Michael Jackson, but that would be tacky because his "moves" while singing "I Can’t Make You Love Me" were just pitiful. Randy thought he was "over the top". Paula said the theatrics were too much. And Simon compared him to a 70’s cruise ship cabaret act.(snickering at the comparison)

The next contestant, from Albemarle, N.C. hometown of Kellie Pickler, actually made me yearn for Pickles to return. Deanna Prevatte was rude, crude, just a little cranky during her audition. Might have helped if she could sing, but alas, even Pickles was better than her. Let’s hope the local shrink will take pity on her after seeing this and offer her free counseling to deal with her anger at the Sunday Customers who only tip a dollar after running her ragged with the all-you-can-eat. (Think she’ll have a job after this airs?)

Those of you who spend hours on the AI.com boards and blogs like I do should have gotten a kick out of the story of Crystal Ortiz and Randy Stark who met through the MyIdol Community. Neither of them can sing good enough for a ticket to Hollywood, but the judges loved the story of their romance.

Who are these people on my television screen and why is he wearing a tie on his head? Why, it’s the brother/sister team of Michelle and Jeffrey Lampkin, singing a very good duet to "I’m Your Angel" by R Kelly. Randy and Paula were smiling, and Simon declared them to be a breath of fresh air (after telling them they were slightly inappropriate at the end). Jeffrey is the better of the two, but Simon can’t split them up, so while Paula does her Oprah clap, Michelle and Jeffrey receive the first Golden Tickets of the day.

And now an update on Oliver: he’s on his way to the hospital with his wife but can’t seem to find his way around. Does that mean he’s lost?

Perhaps not as lost as the judges as they (and us) sit through a medley of bad auditions with everyone botching and some were actually making up the lyrics to "Before He Cheats". Keep the Louisville Slugger away from that angry lady in the red dress with the bad color job though. She looks like she’s had experience dealing with a cheating mate!

The next contestant has probably never had to deal with a cheating mate because she preaches abstinence. Sixteen-year old Amy Catherine Flynn, a Catholic school girl, dance team captain, and AI contestant shared her beliefs regarding teen sexuality and abstinence. (I’d rather listen to her than Milo.) After singing "Reflection", Paula tells "A.C." she has a pure, innocent, beautiful voice and Randy think she has mad potential. But Simon thinks she’s an annoying girl singing in a bedroom. (Am not. Are too. Am not. Are too. ) After declaring her the newest recipient of the prized Golden Ticket, Randy tells her to stay away from Ryan Seacrest and to "give him that speech, he really needs it." (My daughter rewound the DVR and made me watch A.C. again and again. Can we get on with it already? I want an update on Oliver’s new baby.)

FINALLY! She’s tired of watching A.C. and I get my update. Oliver found the hospital and away they go to bring their new daughter into the world.

At the end of day one, only a handful of contestants have won the coveted Golden Ticket. Then, we meet full-time musician London Wiedburg of Charleston, who shared with us that after her father passed away, she was inspired to pursue her dreams. Her performance of a Billie Holliday song, "Good Morning Heartache" was enough for her to continue pursuing her dream of becoming the next American Idol.

Day two opens with me doing a double-take and rewinding the DVR. Is that Seacrest in the water? Sure looks like him!

She can fly the C-17, a plane bigger than a football field, but can she sing? The judges were surprised that such a young, beautiful woman is a USAF transport pilot , but Lindsay Goodman informed them that there were lots of female pilots who put pageant queens to shame. Unfortunately, Lindsay has more nerves flying Globemasters than she does singing "Black Velvet". Her audition wasn’t good enough for Hollywood.

Ryan segues with a comment about "bringing the big guns out". What is he talking about? Then I figure it out. Aretha Codner of Brooklyn has BIG UNS. She puts Dolly Parton to shame. And that big, wide, silver belt on a strapless blue dress does nothing except attract more attention to her décolletage. Simon thought she murdered Whitney Houston’s "I have Nothing". Randy liked the belt. To her everlasting shame, she will see herself on National Television making a fool of herself insisting "I Really Can Sing!"

American Idol auditions wouldn’t be complete without at least one reject rant, and we’re rewarded for our wait when Joshua Bosun starts rambling about how the show is fake and rigged and how the judges suck. He was so into his rant he walked out before the judges could tell him no.

Finally, Day Two comes to a close and Oliver returns with his new daughter, Emma Grace. I’m going to make excuses for him because he probably hasn’t had much sleep and his audition didn’t go well. Simon said his rendition of "Get Here" was weird and old fashioned. All of the judges agreed he had too much falsetto and vibrato. At least he has a great story to tell his daughter when she grows up!

Out of 12,000 contestants in Charleston, only 23 managed to get a Golden Ticket to Hollywood. Maybe next week they’ll have more luck in Nebraska.

AMERICAN IDOL San Diego Auditions 2008

I’ve been a little bummed since I learned Heath Ledger passed away this afternoon and couldn’t get into the show tonight. Halfway through, I decided to participate in the PLAY-BY-PLAY forum and I was able to get a little more into the show. If you have never seen the PBP forum, you may want to check it out tomorrow night. One person transcribes to the best of their ability and the rest of the “players” share their thoughts, likes and dislikes, and (lucky me) add information I missed because it wasn’t captioned or because I can’t hear the music correctly.

San Diego auditions opened with two old men (Is that Felix and Oscar of the Odd Couple?) monotonously saying “Welcome to San Diego”. Twelve thousand people showed up for the first San Diego auditions.
First up was
Tatiana Ostapowych singing “Someone to Watch Over Me”. She won a Golden Ticket despite Simon’s comment he thinks she’s not great and she’s obnoxious. She wasn’t memorable enough for the PBP players to comment on her.

But Perrie Cataldo and his son Evian got their attention. Evian was adorable and Perrie’s rendition of Boyz II Men “I’ll Make Love to You” gave goosebumps to one player. Another player thinks he’s going to make the Top 24. (Why do I get the feeling we’re going to forget his name and call him “The Single Dad”?)

The next contestant was introduced as “Michael Johns” but Simon dubbed him a “White Soul Singer” after hearing him sing Otis Redding’s “I’ve Been Loving You Too Long”. Michael scored points for the Australian accent and his unique voice.

Unfortunately, the California Gold Rush couldn’t last forever to paraphrase Ryan. And we’re tormented with some clips of bad singers or as the PBP called them, “the sillies”. They knew the quality of singers had to take a nose-dive eventually. And the Mariah Carey wanna-be who bombed, but gave us a new favorite quote: “Now, I’ll be one of the rejects.”

After a view of the Rancho Bernardo Inn complete with a beautiful golf course, Idol goes downhill even more. First, a guy with a sombrero teamed up with a mime and then we are introduced to Monique and Christopher. Monique, who dresses as bad as she sings, attempted to sing “I Believe In Miracles” by Whitney Houston, which prompted one player to declare that NO ONE should be allowed to sing Whitney. And another agreed and added Celine and Mariah on the “Never Again” list.

Immediately breaking the new PBP rules, Christopher performed his version of Whitney’s “Greatest Love of All”. SIMONS SAYS “STOP!” Christopher changes songs. SIMON SAYS “STOP!” Christopher sings lower. SIMON SAYS “SECURITY!” and Security shooed him out.

Finally, the last contestant of the day; Samantha and her sister think Simon is “hawt”. According to Ryan, NO ONE obsesses over Simon. Because its such a novelty for someone to “love” Simon, he allows Samantha’s sister to sit on his lap while Samantha gives her audition. All three judges give her a “yes” and Samantha’s sister says only if she can go too and spend time with Simon.

“With the nauseating stench of love in the air”, says Ryan, ends day one in San Diego.

Day two opens with a shot of…IS THAT BIG RED FROM SEASON 6 IN SEATTLE?

How many times does someone have to audition for Idol before they get a clue? Blake Boshnack admits he’s auditioned in 10 cities since season 3. Mom seems to be living through her son and clearly delusional. Even Simon remembers Blake; “The idiot who dressed up like the Statue of Liberty in Season 5.” After he sings “Stand by Me”, Simon said it was nice to meet him as a person as all three judges turn him down.

As Rod Stewart sings “never give up on your dreams” in the background, the judges turn down everyone and compare one girl to William Hung.

At this point in the thread, most of the conversation revolves around “The Aussie is a Hottie!”

The next contestant is more freak than hottie, wearing a hippie appliqué shirt, really long nails, and fanning himself…Meet Alberto…flakey, effeminate and generally indescribable. He performs an original song, “Live” so quietly no one can hear him, and Simon describes as “the most depressing song I’ve ever heard in my life”. One player compared him to Tiny Tim. (Could Miss Vicki be far behind?)

Maybe, if Miss Vicki looks anything like Aaron while he repeats “leave me alone now” in a monotone.

Thankfully, David Archuleta auditions. David is 16 years-old and just recovered from vocal cord paralysis. While David sang John Mayers’ “Waiting for the World to Change, Randy harmonized with him. He forgot some of the words, but the judges forgive him and all three send him to Hollywood. He’ll be a teenybopper fan definitely!

It’s 5:00 pm and auditions are almost over. After being disqualified in Season 5 because of visa problems, Carly Hennessy Smithson, originally from Ireland, gets another chance at Hollywood. She’s gotten married and she co-owns a tattoo parlor with her husband who is COVERED in tattoos; even his face. After singing “I’m Every Woman”, Simon tells her he doesn’t think she’s as good as she was two years ago, but all three judges agree she should go to Hollywood. One PBP player described her voice, “Wow! This girl has some great PIPES!” (Sounds better than Randy saying she can BLOW.)

Overall, thirty contestants from San Diego auditions will be auditioning in Hollywood. Tomorrow night the fun (and the puppies) will be in South Carolina.

Idol Embarrassment

I’ve been working so much this past week; I didn’t even get a chance to blog about Idol. I was too tired to take notes and I had to go to bed immediately after Idol ended so I could get up at 4:30 in the morning. Fortunately, the mandatory overtime is DONE KAPUT FINISHED for the time being, and I can work a normal schedule and start living a more “normal” life. And don’t tell me to DVR American Idol. That’s kind of like trying to translate a joke into ASL (American Sign Language)…it’s just NOT the same.

But we simply HAD to record the “Stalker National Anthem”. Simon had it right when he called that guy “creepy”. Poor Paula is such a NUT MAGNET. I feel for her.

This morning I was reading my local newspaper and discovered an “Idol Recap” of Tuesday night auditions written by Tami Althoff of “The Daily Oklahoman” titled, “Embarrassment doesn’t deter ‘Idol’ hopefuls”. In the article, Ms. Althoff points out that some of the auditions should never have made it as far as they did, but I think the producers let these people embarrass themselves because it is “good television”, meaning it brings them ratings.

The judges (mainly Simon) constantly refer to some contestant performances as “bad karaoke”. I wonder how many of these “Idol hopefuls” actually show up at auditions thinking they can sing because they get drunk and sing karaoke all the time. These are the people without any experience of any kind, not even school chorus or church choir. Or do they actually sing in a choir and the director is too scared to tell them they can’t sing?

Flashback. I was in my junior high chorus because I love to sing. I mean LOVE it. As you know, I’m profoundly deaf and use hearing aids. But at 13 years old, I had NO idea I couldn’t hear myself sing. No one told me. Until one day, I was so off-key, the teacher was so frustrated she yelled at me in front of the entire class, “I know you can’t hear yourself sing, but you are way off.” I was so embarrassed I just sat there trying not to cry my eyes out. I never sang out loud in public again. Not that I let that incident stop me altogether. I learned sign language specifically so I could sing again.

I get embarrassed easily when I sing in sign language though, because people will stare at me and I can feel their eyes on me. This was at church when I still attended. But after church, several people would come up to me or talk to someone with me and tell them watching me “sing” touched them. I’ve even “sang” at karaoke while a friend was doing vocals to a song I knew. That was even more embarrassing to have all those drunks watching me!

Fortunately, I’m so much older than 28 now that I won’t even consider trying out for American Idol and embarrassing myself on national television. Scratch that statement. The age limit doesn’t mean anything to several of the people trying out. Just as that freak “Milo” who sang about “no sex allowed” while wearing a faux fur animal-print vest.

P.S. I think Weird Al needs to buy the “Stalker National Anthem” from the Paula Fan and record it!

Even King Neptune Would Approve

Tonight on Hell’s Kitchen, both teams created three lobster dishes after catching and cooking the lobsters personally. Bonnie created an apple and lobster salad that Chef Ramsey preferred to Melissa’s citrus lobster salad because Melissa’s lobster was not cooked properly. Melissa even stated on camera prior to serving that her lobster was slightly raw. Julia prepared lobster risotto but it was no match for Rock’s lobster tempura. Both teams prepared lobster bisque for the third dish. Chef Ramsey declared a tie, but unfortunately one team has to lose, and Chef chose Jen’s lobster crab bisque with saffron and thyme over Brian’s version with cilantro (?).

The Red Team won a photo shoot with Chef Ramsey for the cover of “In Touch” magazine. The Blue Team got to sort recyclables. Rock was livid, declaring he would never ask his cooks to sort through trash. Then to rub salt in the wound, Chef Ramsey calls and asks for Rock to show up at the shoot to pick up the trash there.

Prior to dinner service, Chef Ramsey announces the addition of Bonnie’s Lobster Salad to the dinner menu and the Blue Team has to fetch lobsters all evening, even for the Red Team orders. Bonnie was so excited and proud, but perhaps she should have remembered that pride comes before a fall. While cooking the appetizers, the Red Team was on a roll; suddenly, Bonnie’s station goes up in flames and she has NO idea what to do!

Josh and Melissa on the Blue Team kept making one mistake after another, from screwed up appetizers to runny mashed potatoes. I know the pressure has got to be incredible on these people, but they claim to be professional chefs with years of fine-dining experience and should be able to make mashed potatoes! Last episode, the entire show focused on Melissa barking orders and bossing the women around. Now that she’s on the men’s team, she’s completely incompetent and kowtowing to Rock. Thanks to her ineptitude, the Blue Team is shut down for the evening.

Can you imagine being in a restaurant and suddenly the server comes to your table and says, “Sorry, the kitchen is now closed for the evening because our cooks suck so bad.”?

Melissa

Obviously, as a result of Chef Ramsey shutting down the Blue Team, one of their teammates faces elimination. Chef immediately orders Melissa to turn in her smock and get the <bleep> out of his kitchen. I expected her to leave tonight. But then he calls Josh and Brian up and wants to know why they should stay. After listening to what he considers their pathetic excuses, he allows both to stay.

Watching the show tonight was nowhere near as fun with Charlie out of town. We have fun screaming at the TV together and talking about the show while watching it. I’m sure he’s picturing me jumping up and down because Melissa is out! And then picturing me glowing with pride because Julia, the “little waffle house cook” is still on the show and outlasted several stronger competitors.

My predictions:

1. Josh will be eliminated next week.
2. The final showdown will be between Jen and Rock

Reality Show Junkie!

As everyone knows I’m a reality-show junkie! And my favorites are on the Bravo Network. Last year I discovered “Project Runway”, a competition for up-and-coming clothing designers. Bravo has since expanded their shows to include “Top Chef”, “Shear Genius”, and “Top Designer”. The competitive angle is great fun to watch and the shows have more at stake than a cash prize – the winner is offered an opportunity to enhance his/her career at the same time.

Another show I enjoy is “Work Out”, which follows fitness instructor Jackie Warner. This season, Jackie continued to develop her clothing line and ran into a major snafu. The company she hired to produce samples of her line provided Jackie with what THEY thought would be more appropriate. Unfortunately, Jackie needed the samples to show to a potential distributor, and had to more or less BS her way through a meeting and reschedule. The sketches I saw on the show were awesome and beautiful, but the products sold at this time through Paiva online aren’t anything special that I can see. Except for being outrageously expensive and having the SkySport logo, they look like something I could buy at Academy a whole lot cheaper.

Don’t get me wrong. I think Jackie Warner is awesome. I love watching her grow as a business owner and as a person. I was disappointed this season to discover she is dating one of the trainers at SkySport&Spa, because of the potential for sexual harassment charges. Jackie hasn’t had the best of luck with partners, as proved with Mimi in the first season. That girl was a hellion! It’s taking some time to get used to watching two women kissing on television. I know! I know! We see it all the time now, but most of the “lesbian kissing” I’ve seen on TV is just hype to get ratings. Not a true romantic relationship between two people who genuinely care for each other.

Yes, watching this show inspires me to become more fit. Not just “skinnier”, but healthier. I think healthier is a better goal than skinnier. Changing my diet and nutrition habits is going to be a challenge

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Currently, Bravo is showing “Shear Genius”, a competition for hairdressers. I didn’t know what to think of this at first, partially because the host is Jaclyn Smith of Charlie’s Angels fame. I have NO idea what makes her an authority on hair. Jaclyn Smith hasn’t changed her hair since the 70’s. After 5 episodes, I’m positive the Top 2 finalists will be Tabatha and Tyson. Both are incredibly talented and after this show, I won’t be able to afford a cut from them – ever. Especially if they prove to be as good as celebrity stylist judge Sally Hershberger, who did the Meg Ryan shag and charges $600+ per cut.

Tabatha and Tyson have both admitted on the show that they think the other is their strongest competitor. On the last episode, Tabatha did her best to make Tyson screw up, but he overcame this adversity and won the Elimination Challenge. Don’t you love it when the underdog pulls through?